Author: annebmorgan

Young At Heart

The youngest people at heart that I know include a radiant 93 year old great-grandmother from Switzerland, Ruth, who has experienced many losses in her life, yet continues to defy her biological age by swimming THIRTY laps every day, always learning new things, always interested in new recipes to cook for family and friends, and who is delighted to be around and host grandchildren and their friends. So beloved is she that she was chosen to be a flower girl at her grandson’s wedding. And at their wedding party, Ruth danced up a storm!

Needless to say, I prefer being around her than many people half or a quarter her age or younger! She’s fun! And yes, she has worries and will confide them, but they are never in the forefront. They don’t change her attitude about living, about life.

For me, striving to be Young at Heart is PRICELESS! It is a place of creative possibilities, of freshness, of new beginnings, of opportunities. It counters the boredom of the jaded, the attitude of knowing ‘too much’ so the situation seems hopeless, and the oppressive weight of those in perennial grief. It might not be sophisticated, or worldly, or ‘realistic’ whatever that means, but being young at heart is so, so much nicer to be around!

Have you looked into the eyes of someone and there is no expression, no life in the eyes, they look shut down, weighted down, almost dead. You can feel their heaviness, and they seem old, regardless of their biological age. I look into the eyes of the 93-year-old friend and see a light that is simply beautiful to behold.

When I encounter someone, say in a store or restaurant who has that unresponsive look about them, I make it a point to beam at them, ask them questions, engage with them, and if possible, compliment them sincerely about their … nails, hair, efficiency, whatever is real. And gradually, I see them come back to life. They have dropped years during our conversation.

We all go through experiences that can weigh us down from a major health crisis with an uncertain outcome, struggles at school (my goodness, chemistry though- I just don’t get it), loneliness (my closest friends have moved away and on to new lives) and that boss gave me contradictory information and I feel inadequate for the task… We also have beliefs that weigh us down, such as ‘My family has a long history of depression or addiction, so it is inevitable that I will suffer from one or both of them.’

And that’s where being around the young at heart helps us. They are our teachers for and in life. They encounter similar adversities, but they don’t focus on them. They look at what there is to be grateful for right now. They love to smile and laugh even when their teeth are broken, or they can no longer wear shoes with heels, or no longer drive. They appreciate life and connection with what is around them, even when in a care unit of a retirement home. They see the beauty and appreciate it deeply.

May we all aspire to be young at heart! It’s just more fun.

Angelversary versus Focus on Loss

It just so happens that my much loved mother and father passed just after my birthday, and then many years later, my beloved mother-in-law as well. And my dearest friend in Europe passed right before my birthday… Hmmm… I had a choice- do I celebrate my birthday or grieve their loss and make it a sad time of year for me?
I have a strong feeling about my birthday. I have always been so very grateful to be alive! I like to use that time to both celebrate and, on the day itself, I have grown to prefer a spiritual retreat where I can focus on this profound feeling of gratitude and oneness that wells up inside. I’ve had marvelous birthday parties, mainly because it was the one time of year when my parents were very amenable to the idea of a larger party for my friends, whether they were classmates and we sat around and ate birthday cake and ice cream on the front porch wearing party hats and playing games, or the delightful adult ones that included dancing (waltz anyone?). Let’s face it, I’ve always liked bringing people together and creating community, even for one memorable afternoon or evening. My birthday was a great excuse.
There was no question the passing of these four remarkable human beings was a blessing for them. They were freed from intense physical suffering (my mother, mother-in-law, and dear friend in Europe) and loneliness (my father). Each of them had led remarkable lives and were deeply loved.
So I delighted in coming across the term ‘Angelversary’ in one of Suzanne Giesemann’s zoom classes. Instead of a gloomy anniversary of their passing, a welling up of grief and loss, this became a time to celebrate their release from suffering, their transition to Spirit, to becoming ‘Angels.’
May I invite you to, just for a moment, consider your loved one’s passing date as an Angelverary? A time to celebrate all the contributions they made in your life and the lives of others, their character (such as a great sense of humor), what they overcame, and all the little and big triumphs in their life.
And if your loved one was a pet, consider celebrating his or her spirit with all of it’s quirks, its distinct personality. Rascal, the product of a Basenji mother and a standard poodle father, had the friendliest, easy personality and was supremely happy in his skin. I will never forget his radiant, happy smile and his complete ease of being. Or Zigane, who had a long Hungarian name and impressive lineage, a wire-haired dachshund of great dignity and pride, who was fiercely loyal, but loved to fall asleep on his back in one of our laps while his tail gradually relaxed. And then Amma, our white standard poodle who had the regal bearing of a queen, and yet loved digging for crabs on the beach even more than chasing squirrels, and was a chicken, with one paw on the back step, and yet who knew instantly when I sprained my ankle and was in such pain that I couldn’t speak, and came and licked my face over and over again, which she had never done. With each pet, there was a mind/heart meld. And they have Angelversaries, too!

To Grieve with Grace and Growth

When we go through any loss, we grieve. We grieve the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job or profession, the loss of body parts, the loss of who we used to be, and most of all we grieve for the loss of loved ones, whether a relative, spouse, partner or friend. Equally important to some is the profound grief at the loss of a beloved pet.

The loss is real, the feelings are, too. To stuff the feelings doesn’t work, sooner or later they spill out.

Many wonderful books have been written about grieving, analyzing the stages of grief (denial, anger and so on). Seeking professional help, grief groups, counsel, energy healing are all marvelous tools to assist the person grieving.

In my own life, and in observing others, I had to learn that there are wonderful ways to put the loss in perspective, and come to a deeper understanding of each loss and how the experience, if I allowed it, could grace my life with a deeper understanding of and appreciation for life. I learned to let go of a pattern of taking today and everything in it for granted. I am much more compassionate, kinder, appreciative than ever before. And I bow before my teachers: my half sister and half brother, my grandmother, my mother and father, my uncle and aunt, my second cousin, my classmates, teachers and dearest friends on both sides of both oceans. As well as my beloved pets (some of you may remember Amma, our beloved standard poodle), those harbingers of unconditional love.

In celebrating them, in honoring them, I live life more richly, with gratitude for what they showed me, taught me. I make choices that are even a tad bit wiser.

I learned to acknowledge and let go of grieving all I did not do for, or with them, while they were alive. I forgave myself for taking them for granted, and vowed never to take anyone or anything for granted ever again.

And most of all, I learned to see what staying alive would have meant for them. In all those examples, living longer would have been extremely challenging, filled with lots of severe health challenges, and increasing deterioration and frailty, and all the ups and downs of aging with immense suffering. The thought of my mother undergoing even more pain than she already had with her Ovarian cancer, or my wise and immensely loving grandmother to be robbed of her prized independence, or my dearest friend

Lizzie, to continue trying another regimen to stop the spreading cancer and even an amputation or two. From THEIR PERSPECTIVE, they were spared further suffering, further indignities, further loss of independence. I can only be grateful for that!

I even see now that much of my grief was actually quite selfish, it was all about me, not about what they were enduring, what they had to do in order to stay alive as long as they did.

And if I miss someone, say my beloved mother, it is not the mother who lay suffering that I miss, but the vibrant, delightful, funny, wise and most of all healthy mother I knew. I do not miss witnessing her suffering and feeling helpless to assist her.

It is in their memory, these beloved human beings and pets, that I made a series of videos about healing from grief. Perhaps one or more will resonate with you. May you find the grace and the growth that your loved ones are gifting you with.

Breath of the Wind, a song written and performed by Jim McCarty, in honor of his wife Lizzie

Wanting the Past or Wanting the Present

How many times have we yearned for something in the past? Could it be as simple as a delicious meal that left you in a state of blissful appreciation, or could it be as huge as a longing for a loved one, say a parent, or a child, a partner or spouse, a best friend, all of whom are no longer alive? Could it be yearning for how we used to look and feel- fit, tanned, lithe, filled with energy. Or perhaps it is a favorite possession, the old car we sold, which would now be a collector’s item, or an opportunity we passed up such as a job much better suited to our skills, a lifestyle we would have loved, the person we used to be, versus the person we are now- have we really changed that much?

The marvelous opportunity, and may I stress it is an amazing opportunity that we are being given moment by moment, is that we can choose, based on all the parameters present in our life now, how we want to be, what we want to manifest.

There is no question the past influences who we are now. I can look back now and say I’m so grateful for all those times, even the tough ones where I was an outsider to a language, a culture, a school where all the other classmates had been growing up together. I’m also grateful for the cringe-worthy mistakes I made. I’m grateful for them all, even the ones that wake me up at night, wishing I had done things differently, only to realize at dawn that my brain was working on overdrive to protect me from repeating the same thing. Lucky me! Out with the cringe factor and in with the fresh beginning, a new start!

This glorious opportunity is to discover who you are NOW. Are you still the introvert who hides in the back of the class, hoping not to be called on? Are you now the person, who has relinquished the impossible task of pleasing everyone? Are you accepting of who you are now while having goals that come from a place of loving yourself? Loving yourself enough to get enough exercise, healthy foods, and self-care, while reacquainting yourself with who you are now?

An eye-opening project is to make a list of all the things you think you are now, and the things you are striving for. Once you make your list, ask yourself, are you convinced this is a true reflection of the present moment? Or are you listing things you were in the past and wanted in the past and continue to want out of habit? Do you see yourself as a label, such as being raised in a mindset, and therefore you feel you must remain in this mindset for life?

As a fictitious example: suppose you were raised in the South as a female and taught to take care of all family members- feed them, care for them in illness, politely agree with them, even when inside you don’t want to. All the while your heart yearns for quiet and reflection, rather than filling every moment of silence with conversation. You have learned to hide your inner life, your hopes and fears because such things were never discussed or questioned. You learned to hush that inner voice when listening to authority figures. You learned that to yearn for a different way of living was ‘wrong.’ Now, all of a sudden, one or more family members have passed, and authority has shifted from them to you. You become your authority. Wow, what a shift! What does that feel like? Do you perpetuate the same pattern, or do you listen to that inner voice at long last?

Why do we long for the past? Were our lives really that stable, that secure? Or is it that the past is known, and therefore safe, whereas in the present it feels like anything can happen? Of course, logically, the uncertainty in the present moment is always there, whether it was back then in your glorified past when things were ‘better’ just as they are in the now, right now.

Uncertainty?? Well yes, we can look at uncertainty with trepidation and anxiety or as an opportunity to create, choose, and manifest who we are now.

We may meet someone who is living in the past. They hang on to who they were, their former profession, and their likes and dislikes (try something new??). Believe it or not, this attitude makes them seem much older than their years. They refuse anything new- a new type of food, a new TV program, perhaps no computer, no cell phone, ‘no’ to so much in life. Is there anything they like better now that wasn’t part of their past?

It is rather marvelous to discover who you are now. And, in doing so, let go of the yearning for a past that is not part of your present. Taking the time to reflect on who you are now means also reflecting on what you want to strive for now. If you are yearning for the past, it can be challenging to see. In this marvelous opportunity of the present moment, what excites you? What appeals to you now?

How would you like to be remembered?

Are you looking for a guidepost for how to live your life now? Here’s a suggestion for you. What about making a list of the attributes, accomplishments, projects, and all the things you would like to be remembered for?

A good friend, who was doing exceptionally well in his Parkinson’s journey, regaining an admirable quality of life after considerable setbacks, developed a sudden illness and passed within 48 hours. While a shock for all who knew him, it was a blessing for him. In writing a tribute to him, it became very apparent to me, that for all his amazing accomplishments (trilingual, prestigious advanced degrees, publications including a novel, Peace Corps volunteer, and so on), it was how he dealt with his diagnosis, and it’s progression, and how he dealt with all those around him, that made my fervent admiration for him skyrocket into the stratosphere. In the last 3 months of his life, he regained the ability to eat food by mouth instead of a feeding tube, he continued to exercise, he improved his skills in a boxing class for those with the same diagnosis, and with specialized glasses he could read books again, all the while radiating such marvelous kindness, warmth, and optimism. He was constantly teaching us all— this is the way to live and live fully.

So how would you like to be remembered? It could be for accomplishments you have already achieved. It could be for dreams you have or things you want to manifest. They could be a big or small creative project in any media such as canvas, yarn, paper, audio, music, stories, non-fiction, good food for family and friends and strangers, an edible garden, helping to raise wonderful human beings, just to name a few of the many options. Or you could fully heal from a past event or reconcile with another person, or triumph over adversity of any kind. It could be learning a language (trilingual anyone?), deeply understanding Einstein’s theory of Relativity, or getting a grasp on quantum physics. It could be smiling at people, strangers in stores, or as you pass them in the streets, just smiling with kindness. It could be savoring the present moment, whether stormy or calm, very wet or very dry, savoring the gift of being alive right now.

What would I like to be most remembered for? For the smile, that comes from the heart and is irrepressible. And the ability to love, not a blind love, or a maternal love, and certainly not a condescending love, but a love from the heart that sees the struggles, conflicts, and contradictions of a human life, and feels that we are all in this together.

So I wish you a marvelous world of discovery as you explore what you want to be remembered for. You may be quite surprised by what emerges… This is one exercise where surprises can be magical!